I have a very difficult time remembering not to borrow trouble. I worry continually. I worry about what might happen, what could happen, what will happen, what did happen, every single day and most often into my sleep. I pray about what might, could, and will every day as well. The idea that I am supposed to “Let Go and Let God” causes me apoplexy…this is a horrible idea for someone who doesn’t like surprises! I want to explode when I think about letting Jesus take the wheel! I want to scream “He doesn’t know how to drive!!!” I want to maintain my false sense of control and security, but my rational mind knows better! I know that I am really just along for the ride. My Gram used to say, “If we knew what was around the corner, we would never get out of bed.” This is so true. As I look back on my life there are so many things I thought I would never withstand and I certainly hadn’t planned on them happening. I wouldn’t have gotten out of bed when we moved to Nebraska, or when we changed jobs, or lost our home, or lost loved ones, or spent a year in the hospital with Addie, or when I lost my Dad, or when I found out I am sick. Life is filled with never ending situations that are experienced and that occur in this life that I never thought I would survive, much less see daylight.
Life is to be lived. I know that. God is in control. I am learning this. Life is a circle. I know this too. Most days I can’t get my head around most of these statements. Yesterday, many of you know that I attended my Dad’s best friends funeral. John Charles Adams was a huge part of my life as well as a major influence on me. I don’t have many memories that he and Nancy aren’t a part of: marriages, births, deaths, parties, lake, sailing, good times, sad times, you name it, for every major event in my life, they were there and we were together. As I sat and listened to the Pastor, I was thinking about how Papa John knew how to live in the “now” and embrace whatever was going on at the moment. He lived a life that was exemplary and knew the importance of kindness. I would watch him with envy. He was a calming spirit who was able to settle the storms and bring a peace to a room. I don’t recall ever hearing him raise his voice or become angry. I certainly can’t say that!
Outwardly John seemed to handle crisis situations solidly, never budging and remaining faithful. Having faith isn’t my problem, living during difficult seasons in my life has always been my problem. I know that I don’t walk alone and I know that God is with me. I have experienced too many miracles and witnessed too many events that have no other explanation. I know that I have survivied everything up to this point, and I will until I don’t breathe anymore. I wish I had Papa John’s ability to continue living while balancing the difficulties. I allow the difficulties to completely consume my thoughts. It is very hard for me to separate those times and allow the good things to still filter through. It’s tough to get them through the filter, much less to make them shine!! I suppose it has to be a continual drugdery because I don’t seem to make the choices that make it easier! I have to make myself tune out the negative and rejoice in the positive. I have to practice, practice, practice this principle even though it is so hard!!
I am grateful for so many things in my life and in turn I am working every day to not dwell on the hardships. I need to try to emulate Papa when it comes to dignity and life, he had it down to a science. I will miss his wisdom and calmness. I will miss his laugh. I need to laugh more. I will continue to strive to be the best I can be without dropping off the edge! That’s it…..
Until I don’t breathe…..missing, focusing, living.