I have had a day….so here goes!  Writing always seems to calm my anxiety ridden nerves, so I am going to have a dissection project on my latest random thought!! Reader beware!!

I see the hashtag all of the time #livingmybestlife.  Most often this hashtag follows the description of a picture of someone’s ice cream cone, someone laying in a hammock, a new dress, a baby, a dog, or something that generates a similiar good feeling.  I was thinking about why saying “living my best life” sets off  a foreign emotion of envy in my pea sized brain.  It gives me a weird feeling of inadequacy and after sitting here thinking, I know why.  It is this new insecurity that I have and programming that I have fallen for over the years, that if you are but a memory of what you used to be your life isn’t as valuable.  It makes me wonder about the importance of living my life to just live.  I assume that this feeling is very much like aging people feel when their usefulness is questioned.  It is a darn lonely feeling even if you are surrounded by people who love you.  It’s scary.

Listen, I am all about positivity and body positivity and loving oneself but seeing “livingmybestlife” makes me question the meaning of my own best life now that I am faced with less than perfect health.  It makes me more aware that my “best life” seems to have moved on to just survival and I hate that!!  In the last few years I have stared down the devil and made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t let all of this shit get to me…..and in my delusion I think I could post the pics of life that would appear to be living my best life, but on the inside, I am wounded. I am angry.  I am still grieving who I used to be and who I knew I was.  She has left the building and I mentally run her over every single day that I am trudging the mortal coil.  Every day I wake up and I think, “here we go again”.  I don’t jump out of bed and have that amazing “a ha” moment, I have several moments of “Lord help me I feel like absolute trash” or “I don’t feel like I can take on the world” moments, or even “Please don’t make me go to the grocery store or deal with people today” moments.  Is that my best life??  It’s what I got.

I think that when I was younger and I felt good, I was living a fast, fun life!  I was up for all kinds of adventures and trips!  Just waking up and surviving has taken away any of the “excitement” that I might have felt on any other day.  Maybe that’s why seeing that hashtag is oddly upsetting to me.  Some of my friends that are my age are truly living their best lives and I am seriously envious of that!  I am so thankful, truly thankful that they are having a good day of it, but inside I think that I am throwing a great pity party for myself again, without getting dressed up in my tutu, because the best part of life was when I could do all of the things that I loved to do.  I could lift more than 15 pounds, dive to the bottom of the pool without worrying that I will explode, go for amazing fast bumpy rides through the pasture, get the gut squeezing hugs from my son, move without pain, sleep uninterupted, enjoy my family without having to go lay down, play Scottish Highland Athletics.  I used to be so strong!  I was throwing weights and trees for fun!!  Now, I can barely push the sweeper without thinking I am dying.  I work all day and by the time I get home, I go to bed.  That’s the definition of living my best life.  I suppose that is my frustration…..there.  I feel better that I said it. This grief process stinks!!  I need to accept the things I can not change, but damn it, I am angry.  I know that I am not alone and there are plenty of my friends struggling with their own health issues:  Karla, I love you, you are a light in the darkness!  Your life is not the same and yet you continue to make it look amazing.  I want to be you when I grow up.  Christina, your journey has whipped your ass and yet you still move and love and pray and inspire.  You both inspire me!  I need to pull my head out of my ass and get over feeling like I have failed.  I feel like rather than accepting this new way of getting by, I am a burden to my husband as well as to my kids.  He surely gets so damn tired of seeing me sleeping with my dad’s black tshirt wrapped like a turban over my eyes to block any light!  It’s so incredibly sexy too!

After Monday’s insanity at work I was totally smashed and literally slept all day on Tuesday.  I don’t remember doing that for quite some time, but I just couldn’t go any longer.  I knew that when Mike got home he was instantly annoyed,  I get it.  It would piss me off too!  Didn’t stop me from rolling over and going back to sleep at 6 pm.  I feel sorry for him because this was supposed to be our best times and I robbed him out of  the fun as well.  I know that my friends have struggled with the same emotions and sadness, but they make it look easy and I am trudging in the muck just trying to clean my shoes.

I know that I won’t feel this way forever because things change, but today….I feel it.  I just need to walk through the steps and get on with the living.  ALSO, I don’t want to be unkind, but I don’t want the “atta girl, we love you posts”  I just want to vent a little and then accept the way I feel and move along.  Seems stupid to say that and then hit the publish button.  I guess that my goal with this is to maybe help someone else who is struggling.  Living your best life doesn’t mean that it is all roses and chocolate (although that might help), living your best life may just mean acceptance that just living is good enough.  Right??  Maybe this will make someone else not beat themselves to a guilty pulp for feeling like shit?!  I don’t know.  Regardless…. I am not hashtagging that saying for me!!  Mine will look something like this #damniammadthatifeellikeshitmostdaysbutiwillgetthroughthisbecauseihavenootherchoice

How’s that!!??

Until then…..live your life….bad or good…..

Love you all

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