The wind is blowing from the southwest this morning and the Fall weather feels more like Winter is right behind. Normally, Mike is the one who gets up and goes out to the garage to feed the dogs, but this week he is gone and I have been up in the dark to feed that big black dog. Cinch is all alone now since the other two have gone….I think he is as sad as we are, but he still has his cat, Minnie. Several years ago he found her across the road and brought her home. She was a little kitten and pretty thin, I guess he knew that his humans would take care of her too, so he adopted her. They nap together, eat their breakfast together and sleep in the sun together. This morning when I went out the moon was bright and the stars looked like shiny diamonds and I was reminded of the changing of seasons and the changing of life. This story really has nothing to do with the pseudo topic I have, the dogs were just a catalyst to make me wake up before the sun and be forced to look up. Looking up gave me thoughts….
I have often written about the changes that have taken place in my life from illness, death, becoming a CoCo, kids, marriage, family and others, and nothing could prepare me for any of it. Life for me is a series of surprises, some twisted and some great. I think that at any given time the scale tips one way or another. For some reason I would think I was preparing for most of it by worrying about everything. I thought I was a worrier by nature and genetics! I still tend to worry about all of the what if’s, the what then’s, the what’s next’s, the what for’s, and I believed that in some weird way that my worried thoughts might change the outcomes or make things less scary. Pastor Rick Warren recently did a series on “Worry” and it really hit home for me. He says that worrying makes me more of an atheist, (I am paraphrasing) that essentially I am counting on my own power to change things….impossible! That was a rationalization that I could understand! In an effort to stop the worry, I am trying to recognize that worry is a form of meditation. Running a negative thought over and over again is the same as meditation! If I am so good at meditating on the negative worry then why can’t I practice meditating on the positive? I mean on a daily basis, not just when I have this feeling that I need to!! I want it to become as habitual as the other and I know that it feels much better! Looking up at the morning sky made the gratitude flow and the worry voice subside! I will do that …. yep. I am going to do that and remember that God is good!! The reminders are amazing!
Monday I will be sitting in a waiting room at the local hospital on the labor and delivery floor. I will be crocheting, because that is my nervous outlet, thinking, praying and waiting. Anxiously awaiting the birth of my oldest daughter’s first baby praying that God brings that little soul across safely and keeps my daughter healthy and well. That is a meditation I will fixate on until we get the all clear! I won’t turn the worry into fear, I will turn it into gratitude and winter hats for this baby!! There may be a bunch of hats, but I will do it with gratitude and God! I don’t know what being a CoCo again will feel like because each kid is different! I’m pretty sure I know where I stand with the first kid and I really like where he puts me!!! This will be another miracle coming straight from Heaven and I will happily take my seat wherever he or she puts me!! I am grateful.