Father’s Day….Without my Father

This isn’t my first Father’s Day without my father…it’s my fourth.  It’s not any easier, the hurt is still very fresh.  In church today I found out that my friend’s father passed away suddenly yesterday.  My heart hurts for her, and when I called her, I was taken back to the moment when you can’t breathe and you think that everything in your body is falling out for the masses to see.  Nine months ago her husband died suddenly from lung cancer. Three weeks from the diagnosis and it was over like a thief in the night.  My heart hurts for her.  Deeply.   I don’t know what that pain of losing your spouse feels like yet, but I do know what losing your Dad feels like.  I miss my dad.  Sometimes I think I hear his voice and I am fairly certain that the veil between this life and the next is gossamer thin; that if we pay close attention we can hear and see the signs.  I remember when my grandfather passed away, Father’s Day became sadly very different.  I used to bake him a flopped angel food cake slathered in icing and have Mom take me the quarter mile down the road to his house.  He and Gram would greet me at the door like I was delivering a feast fit for a king!   He didn’t care how terrible it looked, he would rave about how delicious it was!! I now know that he probably got sick after eating that much sugar because he was diabetic!! Ha! He always ate it.  A lot of it!!! I don’t bake angel food cakes, in fact I haven’t baked one since 1989.  Some things just don’t feel right.

IMG_0524
my Grandfather, Dad and Gram 1980

This Father’s Day was special for me.  We are cutting wheat this week and harvest is always a push to beat the weather, to finish and to get the grain to the elevator.  It was super important to get to church to say “thank you” for the blessings we have been given.  This is also my son’s first Father’s Day!  He was blessed with this beautiful little soul on November 7th, 2017, and what wonderful joy Finn has given!!  Of course I boast, I am the CoCo and completely legitimized in bragging that he is the most handsome, smart, funny kid on the block!!  The best thing was having my husband, daughter, son, son in law, daughter in law and daughter all together.  We have outgrown our pew so two of them move ahead, but all is well with my soul.  They have now gone back to the field on this very hot, windy, Kansas summer day.  I think that my Dad would be here watching them cut wheat, riding in the truck, and eating dinner in the field.  He had a way of looking at things that just felt right.  “What do you think, boy?  Fine harvest, just a fine harvest.”  He wouldn’t leave until we shut down for the night unless I sent him home with my little kids.  He would remind me that harvest sunsets are the most beautiful, that food in the field just tasted better and that even in the bad times we had so very much to be thankful for.   He would tell stories of his father and grandfather and working as a little kid setting up machinery at their McCormick Deering dealership.  We’ve come a long way from a one way plow that  took two horses, literally.

I’m finding that in my world the past holds way more allure than the present.  I say that only to explain, because I’m not sure I am old enough to feel this way!  I am the one who still looks around for the “adult” in the room!!  I find myself saddened by the daily news; children beaten to death, the hungry, the down trodden, the government, the lack of love, the lack of compassion, the inability to help our neighbors or even accept our neighbors.  I don’t remember a time in my almost 51 years that the world felt so ugly.  I wish I had a magic wand to spread love like glitter.  I wish I had my Dad’s perspective.  I wish I could just look at the sunset and just see the beauty rather than think about those who can’t see the light.  I understand.  In my grief, light was void.  Somedays, my grief still takes over.  The stresses of daily life seem way too heavy to bear.  My life is imperfect, but perfect because it’s mine.  This life is difficult.  I take the good times and hang on for life.  I try to burn good times into my ever forgetful brain.  Today, I see my dad waving across the field with a cooler of dinner, fried chicken, (his favorite), some cold beer and my kids……I am thankful.  Happy Father’s Day to all of the Dad’s…..my husband, my son and my Dad…..I love you Pop.

until then, whenever then is….

peace, love, glitter, memories and more love

e

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50.....woke up one day and found a random chin hair.... I named her Veronica Blogging about life, death, emotion, family, aging, and anything else that sparks a question!

2 thoughts on “Father’s Day….Without my Father

  1. Beautifully written girl! I love your post about your daughter going to college, I am going through that. I died laughing at your post about going to SC. A douche? Seriously? Lol. Keep writing! Love u girl !!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Pick!!! Didn’t you get a douche??? Seriously? Was I the only doucher?!?! Scarred for life!!! College kids leaving is like amputation!! It’s so hard to remember what we did before we dedicated our lives to them. I’m still working on that!! Love you too!!! Be well!!!

      Like

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