I am having trouble keeping my thoughts in order!! Too much to process this week, but I’m sharing anyway. Have a blessed weekend!
I am occasionally and painfully reminded that way too often I don’t pay attention to things around me and I remain blissfully ignorant to time/space. I may not notice details like I should unless I am interested in what’s happening around me! I have difficulty recognizing the fact that time is moving so quickly, and in my own world I really believe some things happened just yesterday when in fact it might be 30 years ago. I would say that I enjoy having no sense of time and for that reason I haven’t owned a watch in over 20 years. Facebook memories become an unwelcome reality check, especially when I look at the pictures! I was trying to wrap my head around the fact that Finn turned 2 last week on November 7th. I am afraid that because I keep trying to remember every little detail and I try to cram those mental pictures into my brain regarding those 2 years, I can’t retain them. We were blessed with that wonderful little soul and I want to burn the details into my memory so when he outgrows the need for me I will remember all of the sweetness. Three weeks and three days ago, Allison Ann Armstrong joined this mortal coil and made my heart explode with joy again! I was there and blessed to see her take her first breath, (heck I don’t remember my own babies doing that) it was truly miraculous. Unfortunately I don’t remember much about the day. It’s strange, almost as if I blocked out bits and pieces! I don’t know if I was traumatized or if I am in my normal state when I feel unable to commit things to memory like I would like!! I remember walking down the hall carrying Finn, I remember watching the clock and crocheting. Finn was enjoying the hand sanitizer and was the most sanitized person there! I remember a few things, but as a whole I view it like one big picture not specific moments. It is strange what my brain does!
I have to digress and say that being CoCo is the best job I have ever had and only the second job I ever wanted. My first job of choice was wife and mother to my own children, second is getting to love the souls of the next generation!
I deliberately try not to remember that we are not as healthy as we once were, especially when I look at our pictures from 2 years ago. I see the age in our faces and the worry created from hours of life that taken its toll and i have to remember that there has been a lot of changes in our lives. We have risen to that occasion worse for the wear!! But why does it still feel like most of it happened just a minute ago??
In my advancing age I find myself measuring time by events, not days. This year has been a full blown challenge for Mike and I from the get go. I remember last New Year’s Eve spending it the way we generally do. We celebrate with family and when it gets to be around 9 we let the kids tear it up while we take Finn home early! That’s the most fun anyway !!! When I laid down with that sweet face I said my prayers. I lay silently praying that 2019 would be better than 2018. It dawned on my that every single year of our lives together as married adults I would pray the same prayer every New Year’s Eve. Each year it feels like we would go through a long season of change and challenge and I would send out my prayer to the Universe that the coming year would magically be amazing and notable, and better! Oddly enough, when I would look back trying to recall some specific events I could really only remember the good things that happened. I could only recall a couple of huge life altering events that shaped us and changed every dynamic, but as a whole I am able to block the bad and be grateful for the good. This defense mechanism I have honed since childhood. When things hurt I block it out. It’s a handy talent that I still use!! This year has been like every other year of my 52, so while the challenges continue and life’s imperfections eat at me, I assume it will transpire the same way it always seems to; I will remember the beautiful times.
Last night I was walking out of the grocery store and happened to look up at the extremely bright, full moon. I thought about my Dad, which is still every other minute, I thought about the kids, the new baby, Finn, what I am cooking for Finn’s birthday party, and I opened my car door and I smelled my Suzie. I was taken aback with the smell of Estee’ Lauder Pleasures perfume and the pure, recognizable smell of her. I was so overwhelmed with the barrage of memories that came from that smell, that I sat in the car while it lingered. I know she was with me and I believe that it was another God wink reminding me to remember the love. Love lives on and on and on. Love comforts us every minute if we recognize it. Then today at work I was so cold that I put my cape on. It’s a gray plaid wool cape, that as I swing it around my shoulders I can smell my Gram. Erin is sitting in my office and sees the tears quietly fall and asks what’s wrong. I tell her that Great is here with me, I can smell her. Emotional as it was to put on the cape and smell the familiar smell it was like a huge hug from Heaven. I won’t forget that. The power of smell and memory is a huge piece of my life. I’m thankful that I recognize them. Otherwise I am so horribly preoccupied by work, obligations, and being so tired, that I forget some of the most important lessons. Death comes to us all and not one of us will escape this place alive and the memories are all we take with us. Although Susan’s departure was unexpected, without warning, and quick, I am so incredibly grateful that my last conversation and our time together was so wonderful and precious to me. I find myself missing her more and more as the days pass especially when I can’t pick up the phone to tell her the “latest”. I miss her. Gram was a ripe old 92 when she crossed. One day I called Dad and I asked him while crying “when will I stop missing her so much?” His answer was simple , “Never, baby. Never”. He was right. That 33 year old me hadn’t had grief like that to survive. I know now.
Age has done a lot to me….physically and mentally. Most of it is nothing to write home about and much of it isn’t even worth complaining about, but age has given me one thing….peace. I’m working on the rest. I am. Working on the rest.
Until then….. pay attention the signs are everywhere