I have been yelled at twice today. I am overly cautious about the way I talk to vendors and customers on the phone. My gravelly voice is often misinterpreted for being “short or cross” so I intentionally try to corral that impression! (insert eye roll) Today I was yelled at for no reason and still maintained my composure. I don’t know why I am telling you this when what is on my mind is more sweet than bitter….maybe.
This is the time of year where I measure each and every day by what I did 5 years ago prior to my Dad dying. In 2 days I will have had my last LONG conversation with him…..It goes like that. This grief does not end. So I guess what brought this up is that people yelling and being unkind only exacerbates my emotions that are riding high on the top of my shoulders. Someone yelling wouldn’t normally upset me, but this day it did. Someone being unkind, I could stave off, but not today.
I think that people need to be more aware all the way around. It isn’t just me that feels the darkness of winter and the depression that accompanies this time of year. I am not the only person who is walking the path of sadness and grief. I certainly am not the only person who has lost a loved one at the holidays. I have a friend who just lost her husband a couple of days before Thanksgiving. I am certain she had a tough time finding something to be thankful about. I am not the only person who is hypersensitive to words. I know all of this and yet I can change none of it. I can do my part to be kind in return, but man is that hard! I urge you to recognize each other for the journey that you might not even know about. Be kind.
This season changed dramatically for me 5 years ago on the 22nd of December. I came from the Christmas City of the High Plains, after all where Christmas is the hap-hap-happiest time of the year! Christmas, which had always been a time of family and love crashed and burned like a tree on fire. It hasn’t returned. I am thankful for my family, absolutely, but the feeling surrounding celebration has changed for each one of us. The religious part of our Christmas is the same, we serve at Christmas Eve service and then go home to get comfy and share in our families traditions. That is the same. That is good. Then it stops. This is where we are slammed with the reality that no Mamo and Gaga are walking in yelling “Merry Christmas!” Some years we would travel to their house late in the evening after church and always arrive to a warm fire, Christmas drinks, hor d’oeuvres, hugs, happiness and joy. Sometimes they would come to our house for Christmas Eve, either way, we celebrated and had each other. I saw a meme the other day that said …
and this is most certainly true. I am no expert on grief, although I have walked many a mile in my own moccasins, but I know my own hurt. I can only assume what your’s is like. Like so many of us who were ingrained with tradition or big, loud families, I struggle with making my own glue. At this point I feel like the kid who would have rather eaten glue than make it! Nothing, and I mean nothing, can prepare you for the fall out of losing a parent or a loved one.
I am doing my best, and so is Mike, to normalize the enormous hole that was left. We continue on with the day, but it is never far from our minds the memories and love that we shared. The days of the little kids and the hilarious Santa visits, the kids screaming when Santa hit the glass and ran off, or the year Santa fell off the roof into the bushes, and all of the wild escapades of that Jolly old Elf! Now, we are the old folks. We are the ones that have to conjure the magic of the season and inject BIG MAGIC into the hearts of our littles. Finn is at a great age to start, but Miss Allie, well she is at the age to sleep on this CoCo’s desk and look cute in her new Christmas duds! Next year….she will be ready!!
Today I am going to enjoy this package on the desk! She is a sweet bundle of joy and Christmas in her striped pants and socks. She is the reminder that we are never, ever disconnected from love. Today, I ask that you check your tone. While it may not seem like much to you, it can wreck a day or heal a heart, it’s your choice. I wish that everyone in the world would recognize the power they hold as fellow earthlings. We have an obligation to each other. Do it.
Until then….here is my view….today
Here was my hilarious view Saturday….