I feel like Scarlet O’Hara in Gone With the Wind, (which anyone who knows me well, knows that is my favorite movie of all time!) when she goes to the mill and tells Ashley Wilkes that she can’t think because when she’s wearing a new bonnet “all the figures run right out of my head.” I am not like that since I don’t have a new hat, but I can’t remember anything because I either drank too much coffee or I am just anxiety ridden. I am guessing it is the latter since I only had one cup of McDonald’s coffee, no cream or sugar, straight up truck stop style. Maybe it is the coffee?

Regardless of the reasoning today I am a shaky mess. Hands shake, insides shake, voice shakes, can’t focus because I am shaking, can’t settle down and won’t take medicine. I am going to ride it out! I have already vacuumed the shop, dusted, and actually took the mop to the mud under my desk. It smells better, but it didn’t calm me down. Instead it made me sweat and flattened my hair. It should have worn off the shake, but it didn’t! I think it is because I woke up frustrated. I have been thinking about being a “patient” and how I am not patient. I was talking to my daughter about the lack of compassion in our medical field and how if these people had to wait for their test results for 11 days now, they would be as nervous as I am . She rationalized with me and tried to console me by saying that the results are probably on a doctor’s desk who is probably very busy and it isn’t that the results are bad…yadda yadda…..I know. It doesn’t change the shakes.

For someone with anxiety and depression an idle mind is dangerous. I tend to focus on the things that “might” happen or “could” happen! I roll it around until I can’t roll anymore! Today I am not rolling as much as I am shaking. The more I try to breathe, the less I can control it! Weirdest damn thing in my life. Yesterday I was home sick. I think I gave myself the bad stomach with my own cooking. I have become my mother, and there is not way anyone should trust what’s in my fridge but definitely don’t trust Trader Joe’s Taco Seasoning packets, they are HOT!!! My kids were sweating when they ate Sunday’s lunch and even more when they choked down Monday’s leftovers! I didn’t even attempt that, so I sent it all to the three houses!! Some things are for stronger, younger folks! I don’t know where I was going with this…

I can’t remember so I will wrap up a quick “how do you do?” with my normal thoughts….be nice today. I don’t think my nerves can stand to be yelled at and my heart doesn’t need to worry about whether or not you might blow. I have to work overtime to control my impatience, so can you!!

Until then…..I will be over here, ridin’ the storm out….

e