Last One

This may read a bit jangly or jankie! I apologize to the English majors… I are one of those too!! I got so many thoughts that I’m not making great sentences!! Don’t feel like editing and I’m on my phone! Lol. Hard to type!

A few years ago when my kids fell in love and married their best friends, I was sick, I didn’t know how sick, but sick. Shortly before Erin’s wedding I was diagnosed with FMD and I had a couple of injuries that started the journey that has completely changed my life. I wasn’t feeling well for her wedding or for Ian’s wedding and I pushed on through, but I still felt like a burden. I have been living with this disease now 5 1/2 years. On Valentine’s Day it will be 5 years since my kidney artery repair surgery. It seems so hard to believe, but daily I am reminded of the ongoing issues that are a part of my life making “living” really difficult. This isn’t rally a pity party, but it is my daily reality. I don’t say it for sympathy either. It’s life. Lots of people are sick and live with crap every day!! Everyone has something imperfect. It just so happens that my earth suit sucks. God gave me an incredibly faulty unit. And it always seems to get worse when I need it most. The bonus He gave me was my heart. He gave me a survivors heart. It is strong and kind. He also gave me loads of love. That’s what matters.

Addie is getting married on the 12th. And everything about this day is her. Mike and I didn’t interject about anything. It was about what she and Reid desired. I have had a vision in my mind of what I wanted to do for Addison’s wedding, as in things I would like to include for her. I pictured all kinds of memory making, special things that I wanted to do but unfortunately the reality isn’t probably going to be like that at all. What I visualize and what I am capable of doing are two different things. Today I made it to pick up the dress and to pick up some makeup and then home to bed. I am fighting an incredibly painful, bone on bone hip that needs replacement, muscle spasms and weakness. I get horrible anxiety that people are staring and making comments because I know how I gimp around. Although some people do make unkind comments, many don’t, but in my hurting mind, it isn’t good. Instead, I try to picture myself strong and hale. I see myself laughing, visiting, dancing and “hostessing”, but that isn’t my reality. Many days I am afraid of not making it through the whole weekend without my wheelchair, or maybe just a walker, however I’m still unable to walk without cussing every other step! I’m doing my best to stay positive, but even that is difficult. It makes me so tired. My goal is to make it an amazing day for my youngest.

I have written about her birth story a couple of times. It is truly my miracle. I always wonder if she knows that she saved me? I wonder if she really knows that she is a beautiful Divine Intervention? It was bound to be this way…our bond… I held her longer. Bonded with her longer. We shared so much more time believing in the power of miracles and witnessing this beautiful teeny tiny soul grow into this gorgeous, loving, loyal, kind human in earthly form. Mike and I would have had a dozen children but that wasn’t in God’s plan for us, so this is it. This one is my last. This one isn’t just hard for me…Ask her big brother and sister. Ask her daddy. It’s hard to imagine letting her get married!! She’s always been different. We have all protected her but let her grow. We protected her soft heart and kindness. She isn’t loud and wild, she listens. She internalizes harsh words and notices peoples body language and can read them like a book. Not much escapes her because she pays attention to every detail. Say something more than once that is unkind and she will quietly walk away from you. Permanently. She’s brave and courageous. She’s filled with loyalty and love and Reid is blessed to have her fierce love and admiration. She will fight the devil himself for the people who honestly love her. Anything else will be put out. She learned at an early age to protect her positive good energy from negatively charged energy. She is wise well beyond her years.

I know I’m rambling… but part of me is jealous that Mike gets the privilege of walking her down that long aisle. We have long joked that she is my baby. But she is! Part of me wants to scream “you already got to do this once!!” Mitts off!! But then I know that his role is going to get him right in the feels too. He has always worked harder to get those extra hugs! He knows what I mean by that! Her siblings mother her to death and their relationship is solid as an oak. I love that with every fiber of my being.

In a few days she’s gonna dress up, grab her daddy and walk up that aisle to meet the love of her life. I’m sappy. I’m sad. I’m happy. I’m sappy. I may not get to do all of the things I dreamed of, but I will be there. I will take it in and commit that beautiful face to memory so that I can recall that happiness when days get hard. I will celebrate with her and rejoice in the joy and love that she feels. I will remember that little hand in mine and then I will cry. Not for her. For me. This journey has flown by. I wasted a lot of time worrying about things and people who didn’t matter. I could have spent that time being more present with my 3 miracles. I can’t fix that, but I’ve learned that lesson and I pray they all learn it sooner than I did! I will remind myself that no one can ever change what I have. Nothing can change what I have with any of them, including my bonus kids. I couldn’t love them any more if they were blood of my blood. I am richly blessed.

So as this day approaches I am going to beg time to slow down. I’m going to do what I can. I am going to remain grateful. I am going to be the best momma I can be… to very end.

Addison Kate, I’m proud of you. I’m eternally grateful for you. I can’t wait to see you be you in your day. God bless you and keep you. I love you

Thank you Chickens

1 day old 28 weeks 2 lb 5 oz
Me and my girl

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.