I’ve been super emotional lately. But before I start, know that I am typing this on my phone at 3:32 am. Typos are gonna happen and I probably won’t fix them!! I had knee reconstruction and replacement on June 21st. No one warned me that knees are a whole different animal than hips!! It’s been a mental battle like I’ve never had and I’ve had 9 prior surgeries!! That being said, they had to straighten my knee to get me to the point where I can have ankle replacement surgery on the 21st of this month. Thursday. Thursday! It’s a difficult one too because it’s 8 weeks non weight bearing. Good Lord 8 weeks!!

In the grand scheme of things 8 weeks is a flash in the pan, but when I think of the mental fortitude it takes me to stay out of the dark places, I get scared and I cry. I have managed to be off antidepressants for 4 years I think. Maybe 3. Time flies so I’m not sure. The point being, I don’t want to go back there. There’s no shame in being on them but the side effects were not good for me. Some made me suicidal, some made me want to drink, some didn’t even do anything…. It took several tries to figure out what I needed to take. As of today I have lost 122 pounds in the past 18 months. I’ve had 2 joints replaced and soon a third. I have been so blessed by my kids and Mike that I will never be able to thank them all for their patience, dedication and love. They are ready for me to toss the crutches and walk too!!! They know how the pain in my body has reduced me to bed, tears, frustration and sadness. Each surgery sets my entire body into a fibro flare each time becoming progressively worse. That’s something that I can’t really prepare for though. It is just part of the fall out. My body is an incredible beast. It’s ability to heal and recover leaves me awestruck. Meditation has helped me heal and be much kinder than I have ever been to my earth suit. I am way more careful with the words I now say to my body. The book Body Keeps Score by Bessel VanderKoch explains the effects of negativity and trauma on the cells of our bodies and it is a fact!! I’m learning more all of the time. It’s a daily practice of cognition I have to practice.

I will also tell you that if you ever need a physical therapist, heavy on the therapist part, hit me up! Kelly has been amazing and has helped me get my confidence back as well as my muscles!! She has been there through tears and traumas!! She is professional, kind, extremely experienced and she is nuts enough to become my friend. The best part is that she comes to me!! I don’t have to feel self conscious in a room with others or feel ashamed of how much I can’t do. Not to mention that since I go out of state for surgery, I’m not shamed for not getting my stuff done here. That has happened even when I have gone for pre op bloodwork! I’m not going to remind them how horrible I was treated as a fat person by most of their doctors and don’t get me started about Wichita!! But I digress!

Today is my 56th birthday. I gave my gratitude to God for allowing me to take another trip around the sun. I prayed and meditated and I love the way I always get an answer. God knows my fear about climbing on another surgery table. He knows the outcome before I do, and I trust that plan to be just what it is supposed to be, either way. I am so driven by this and the possibility that I may be able to walk again maybe pain free, for the first time since I injured it 35 years ago!! Maybe!! I know if I don’t try, I will never know if I can!!

I’ve always felt things harder and bigger than a lot of people. I know a few people like that!! I cry when I feel happy. I cry when I’m pissed. I cry when I’m sad. I cry when I see things that are lovely and I cry when I think about love. I’m good with that. I am done crying for people who don’t want me around. I’m done crying over the past. So these tears are good, cathartic and beautiful. Thank you to everyone who has helped me through those times. Thank you for holding space for my healing and never wavering even when the details are uncomfortable. Heidi. Deb. Karla. Angie. Dan. Marty. Brian. Sandra. Mike. Ian. Erin. Addie. Kelbi. Reid. Ross. Finn. Allie. Jon. Amy. Nisey. Shirley. Sharon. Ron. Joan. Vicki. Drew. Bob. Mel. Everyone who I have over shared my experience with. And many others. It’s 4:14 am so I’m not too sharp, so if your name isn’t mentioned, don’t freak or think I don’t see you. I do, I am just overwhelmed. I just really needed to say thank you for riding it out. Thank you for loving me in each season, even when I didn’t love myself.

In honor of my birthday I ask you to play your favorite music loud and don’t watch TV. Drink your water and eat your protein. Hug someone long and tight. Let them know that you love them and that they matter. .

Until later…

I stand in gratitude. On one leg

E ❤️❤️