I remember my Gram sitting and smiling a lot. She would sit and look at us and just smile and I would always ask her what she was smiling about and she would say “nothing, Darling. I just love you”. I didn’t know what the heck she meant by that but I did know that I loved her more than anyone in the whole universe! Today, I felt her sitting next to me smiling.

This is going to be the best week ever! It’s Bible school week and the boys are here. It’s a week of fun and swimming and cousins and outside and the first breaths of summer!! We spent all day outside and even if the water is cold, they jumped off the board, nailed a hundred penny pokers, sprayed the hose, tasted the first popsicles, took a few 5 minute breaks, ate snacks, roasted marshmallows, had Unc cook a couple hot-ma-dogs over the fire, told big stories, and laughed like fools!! It was so great that baby Jon could only muster a few bites of supper before he was sound asleep on my lap, and I just smiled. In fact, I spent the day, just smiling. At nothing, Darling.

When I was a young mother my mind was so overloaded with the worthless stuff that being able to sit and just smile was not a luxury I was able to take. No young parents are. If I were able to change one thing I think that would be it. To give the gift of perspective versus reality to them and prove that all of the time we waste in all of this worry, doesn’t matter. It changes nothing and it robs them of now. It is impossible to do it though. It’s like some messed up right of passage that you must spend 20-30 years of your life consumed with marriage, money, weather, markets, world and whatever stress you can imagine to wreck your greatest moments. It’s like you can’t be happy until you carry the weight of everything from childhood trauma to grief and everything in between before you realize that it serves no purpose except to make life more difficult. The things we can change, do it. The things you can’t— walk on. It’s not that life for us now is worry free by any means, it just means that I couldn’t care less! We have a lot of health issues that continually remind us of our mortality but the good news is that I have 4, foot loose and fancy free souls who will carry the weight of a world,that I find disgusting and horrible most days, soon enough, and I am going to protect that as long as I possibly can. I am not going to allow the ways of this life to jade their perspective for as long as possible!! We will continue to talk about “safe hands” and not hit your brother or sister!! We will tackle the small things, like not breaking a water balloon over your brother if he doesn’t like his eyes wet! We will have little lessons in kindness and love and sing “This Little Light” at the top of our lungs and then dance to “Life is a Highway “ just because we still think Lightning McQueen is badass! We will pray before we eat and listen while Finn prays for rain and says thank you for my family because that’s all that matters. Yep. I’m sitting. I’m smiling, At nothing, Darling.

I didn’t know then what I know now. 30 years ago there were not the amazing resources for parents that we have today. Even I learn much better conflict resolution techniques than I had as a young mother!! Heck. There were no techniques, I spanked their ass and told them to sit there until I said!! I didn’t work! I’m never not learning and trying to improve, because there are better ways!! I’m so thankful for second, third and hundredth chances. Grace is a beautiful thing!!

I’m up at 3:37am. That little person I put to bed earlier… I found him at the end of my bed on the floor, snuggling with Vivian, the Aussie. I picked him up, loved on him and laid him on my side. I covered him up and decided to go clean the kitchen and have a cup of coffee. I may die later. But I’m smiling, Darling. I have the rest of my life to sleep. Tonight is for cleaning and writing. Tonight is to ingrain in my brain the memories and pictures of today. The sounds, the smells of summer, the laughter. My Gram. She’s here too. My God I’m blessed.

Until then Chickens.

Smile, at nothing, Darling

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