I seldom talk about the New Year in terms of things I want to do or manifest, but I see a lot! I tend to forget within the first week of January that I made that decision!! However, I did get the best Christmas present this year from Mike, and I have taken it for a few miles! When it warms up, you will see me pedaling and looking like one of the Bell sisters on their trikes! IFYYK!

2024 proved to be another difficult year for me and so many people I love and even for some I don’t particularly love! I feel like the cosmos was just at constant odds with humans on a daily basis and everything felt off. I don’t feel like this year is going to be like that. Look, we have seen truck sized “drones” off the East Coast, and that has to be a good sign, right? I don’t believe a thing I see on tv, so I don’t watch, I have lost my faith in man preaching Gods word, so I am leaving that to God and the words in RED, I don’t trust anyone who says, “trust me”, and I am sure as hell not putting my faith in anyone making decisions for me. That being said, I am 6 years sober.

I tell you that to tell you this. Do you realize that knowing I could die with aneurysms wasn’t enough make me stop drinking? That a 9-hour, 50/50 chance of survival, 16 weeks of recovery, most painful surgery I have ever had, wasn’t enough to get me to stop drinking? That I didn’t love myself enough to stop anything that was excessive for the people I loved? I couldn’t. You have read the blogs, or maybe you haven’t, but I can tell you that I have done the work. I am a cycle breaker. I did the work and now, I am 6 years sober. My story isn’t yours. My story may not look anything like yours. Mine is mine. My story has zero judgement. Your life and your journey are yours, but I was sick. I was literally dying and didn’t care. I didn’t want that anymore.

I come from a family where alcohol flowed freely, it was the center of every single gathering, holiday, celebration, birthday, trip, didn’t matter. We drank. All the time. I started drinking at age 13 and smoking when I was 13 1/2 (which contributed to my kidney artery issues) and I was an alcoholic by the time I was in high school. We were never “not” drinking. We drank because there was nothing to do, we drank because there was something to do. We drank to mow the yard. We drank to go sailing. We drank Baileys or Bloody’s in the morning, beer in the afternoon and gin or vodka in the evening. We drank to watch the kids and bar b q. We drank to the trees, the weeds, the dog. We drank…..

I would try to sleep, and my heart would race so badly that the sound of it would ring in my ears and scare me. I thought it would explode. My face was red and puffy and hot, I would sweat and not be able to sleep because I would get anxiety from the alcohol. It was nothing for me to pound 30 beers, or a quart of vodka and tonic. If it was there, I could drink it. If the party went to 3, yep. I fell on the ice two winters in a row going into the house and had a concussion. Enough to stop? Nope. Vomiting for days, enough to quit? Nope. Depression and hang-xiety, enough to quit? Nope. Not remembering how I got home, enough to stop? Nope.

Then, my kids drank. They drank and I developed the idea like my folks did, ” I would rather you drink at home where you are safe”, which I would still rather have. That’s great, but it only made my situation worse 1,000 times worse. It wasn’t just weekends. It wasn’t just once in a while, it was continual. I don’t think that two will mind if I report that one is 3 years sober, and one is 18 months sober, one doesn’t drink. That’s their story to tell, and what got them there if they so choose. I got sick. I got really sick. It didn’t seem to matter, because Mike still liked his toddy and it’s tough to have your best friend drop out, so there wasn’t much encouragement at first! It took the big surgery to scare him, then he was encouraging, and I wasn’t ready. Talk about poor timing! I started counseling December 2018 and I had the best one-on-one practitioners I could have ever had. I still wasn’t there for alcoholism. I was there for everything and everyone else. You can find that story in other blogs. Kari doesn’t have any idea what she has helped me heal, but I do. My family does.

I don’t miss the booze. I don’t miss the smokes. I don’t miss the weed. The detox wasn’t pretty. I sweat a lot. I drank a ton of electrolytes and Evolve tea! I still do! I can be around it easy, and I am good. I had a little trouble in the beginning because no cigarette and no booze, who was I? I couldn’t hide anymore. Now, I don’t need to hide, because here it is, all out in the open. Ask me!! I will frickin tell you! I will also tell you how much better I felt January 1 and how much better I feel every day. I didn’t know what it was doing to me! It was so much a part of who I was that I didn’t think it was hurting me and that I could control it. Oh well!

I guess I just wanted to put this out there, for me. It is like my own time line. When Mike and I went out for Dinner on New Years and he ordered his Roy Rogers, lol and I ordered my hot tea, it dawned on me that it had been awhile, I don’t remember the day, nor do I keep track. Some people say “it’s been 181 days since I had a drink”, good on them, but for me, that doesn’t work. I don’t like to be reminded of how long of anything. I have worked too long to move out of the past into the future, I don’t carry that. So, when he ordered his drink, I laughed and asked him how long it had been for me, and he told me! I don’t remember the last smoke. I don’t remember. Any program that keeps me trapped in the memory doesn’t work. I think some of that comes from being abused. Who the fuck wants to remember your trauma every single day in order to move ahead? It seems counterproductive to me! But if it works for you, do it!!

This year is going to be a good one!! I am going to make sure of it! Happiness is a choice!! Health is my choice, to some degree! I still have FMD, bad joints, a whole fucked up lower unit, and fibro out the wazzo, but it’s going to be amazing!!! I am going to ride my old lady trike, just don’t run me over!! Flip me off and honk, but don’t run me over!!

I hope that you find what you are looking for. I hope that you have the tools you need to be who you want to be. If you don’t, ask for help, talk to someone, there are so many awesome people out there!! I hope you lose your judgment and gain your wings!!! Keep an eye out for UFO’s, aliens, drones and any other weird stuff. No I wasn’t drunk either!!!

Until then….

Do something that scares the shit out of you. I did… 6 years ago.

e

top pic is 2013 bottom is this year. I was a hot mess.