I found this blog in my drafts. I hadn’t finished it as I started it a couple months ago when the memory was triggered. Here it is.

I was riding along, while Mike drives, thinking about the people who walked away years ago… I know this is all part of the greater plan, so I’m not sorry, but I was thinking. So years ago I had a woman in my life whom I thought was a dear friend. I did everything with her, spent days chasing kids, laughing, enjoying life and all of the sudden, I was out. Shunned. Cut off. No notice, just gone. I would hear rumors about me in town and things that were said in private, now in public. I was crushed. Devastated even. I felt betrayed, broken, lost, grief stricken. My husband tried to talk to her, nope. And then I caved.

I’ve explained trauma brain a hundred times, so I won’t talk about that, but what I will say is that I was damaged. In the damage I groveled. I fucking groveled. In retrospect, the strong me, the healed me would have never called her. The healed me doesn’t need her crap. The healed me would have never humiliated the broken me by begging for her friendship that she didn’t want. I deserved better than her half assed lies and betrayal in the first place. She was unkind. Why would I settle for second best? Why did I even think I wanted to go back to that? I can tell you why, because I felt unworthy of anything better than the dirt in any aspect of my existence. My internal struggle was real.

Today, I honor the broken me. Today I stand in the presence of this person with my head high and my heart strong. The irony isn’t lost on me, her circumstances are absolutely nothing I would trade. Her bucket, you know, the one we all carry around with life in it, is dragging the corners of her mouth way down. I certainly don’t wish that on anyone, because pain is no one’s friend, and it hurts. To be as cruel as she was is not who I am. Certainly, not now. Life is too much the way it is.

The idea that we are all just spiritual beings having an earthly experience is calming to me. It feels right. I don’t want to carry the past with me unless it is attached to the good things, that’s a choice. That doesn’t mean that things will happen that dredge up the old wounds. How we handle them is what’s important. So quietly I thanked her. I thanked her for showing me the contrast of what I knew I didn’t want. I thanked her for the clarity I have now when I look at her with pity. I thanked her for moving me forward. She is still who she is. Thank you.

Just a few ramblings.

Take care of the wounded, broken you that brought you to wholeness. Damn you have done a great job!! I’m so proud of you!! Onward!!!