It’s been awhile again. It’s not that I am not moved to write, or that I lack motivation, it’s more like I am just treading water. My central nervous system can only handle so much at a time and I check out. I’m checked out. I can’t watch the news, I can’t argue, I can’t rebuke accusations, I can’t fight the negativity that has overtaken all of social media…all of the things, so away I go. It’s ok. I’m ok.

This particular hiatus has found me hoeing my front flower bed, that I can’t keep the old dog from sleeping in, sweeping up the pine tree garbage, riding my bike, scooping up said old dogs shit from my one green patch of grass, and listening to the birds. Not a bad gig! Nature has always been good for me. I miss the days of sailing all night, listening to the bow cut through the glassy water. Quietly watching behind the rudder because I loved how the water created a trail so soft and quiet. The peace. The solitude. The absolute escape from life. That feels like the easy days. I was young. I felt good. I had very little drama and all of life ahead. Worst of all, I didn’t realize it.

I’ve noticed some things. I’ve noticed the invisibility that comes to an aging woman. Once you are finished with your job, be it motherhood or professional life, or both, you seem to lose your place. No one comes to you for work related issues, kids are on their own, and women just quietly disappear into their own world. I found myself kind of lost. Not kind of. I was lost and some days I still look for the familiar. I created a new routine that very seldom changes; Vitamins, coffee, shower etc!! lol! Maybe not quite that much, but definitely coffee before conversation! I prioritized my peace and I have gotten completely compulsive about the healing work I have done and I have vehemently protected that healing. If it disturbs my peace and causes my fight or flight to take off, I give it the ax. No questions asked. I have to. There is no space left my hard drive. My bandwidth is too small. Call it what you will, I’m tapped out by age and circumstances.

All of that being said, please don’t feel strange or offended if I don’t respond to issues the way you want me to, or the way I used to, it’s not personal, unless you make it that way. Just know that age, time and experience have given me insight and a need for calm that even I never knew I could find.

Doesn’t come easy. Plenty of mistakes and scars, enough for a lifetime, but it’s time to wear the invisibility cloak and enjoy the little things: sunrise, painting, peonies, little souls, hugs, a decent nights sleep, warm showers, a delicious beef stick, sobriety, clarity, and the fact that I am not needed like I used to be. That’s growth and it’s ok.

This weekend put your face into the sun if it’s not raining. If it’s raining, you won’t melt, do it anyway! Memorialize the saints who have gone before you, and enjoy the moments of routine dullness! If you are a woman of a certain age, enjoy the inevitable invisibility. It’s a good thing. It means that you have done the hard work.

In the meantime, Chickens, thanks for reading!!

Reach out if you want to. Stay in your space if you want to. Take a nap.

I love you.

E