Timing is everything, isn’t it?  If you want to know about Divine timing, I would encourage you to talk to my dear friend, Cheryl.  Twenty five years ago she found herself standing in the doors of the Emergency Room in Hasting, NE, in the dead of night.  Not knowing exactly why she was there, she found me.  My preemie baby was at death’s door with whooping cough upstairs in the NICU,  and my husband was in the Emergency Room, and all she said is “what do you need me to do?”  With tears I hugged her and away we went.  I will never forget her love and kindness for as long as I live.  I think she would tell you that she has no idea why she was there….but she does.

Cheryl showed up again after 25 years in the form of a card, and her timing was insanely perfect.  You see, she has an inner voice that she listens to.  Her love and kindness is unparalleled and she somehow knows what to say.  I will come back to this!

The idea that we are “enough” is foreign to many of us.  For those 220’s in a 110 world, you know exactly what I am saying!  It is the fear of never doing it right, of being too much for people, of failing.  Failure has followed me my entire life…since I remember having a thought.  I didn’t put that there, but a lifetime of sibling comparison, peer comparison, “why aren’t you like….?” certainly formed the inner voice that screams “loser” every third sentence!  Please don’t do that to your kids or grandkids.  It forms everything.

Recently, I published 3 kids books, and each one was an improvement; I have 2 more to do, but I am afraid to actually take them to this publisher for fear of the above mentioned!  Why should I give a fuck if you read my books?  I didn’t do them for you.  I did them for a couple people, and it ended up that Eloise loves them more than ANYONE and we read Mae Goes to Scotland 60 times a day, each time with great enthusiasm, and that’s all I need!   Right??  No.  I still need approval, albeit, that isn’ what I am asking for in this blog….so don’t worry!!  Now, I have created a line of lude, crude, rude greeting cards that are available on Shopify and some exclusive ones for a shop downtown, but the fear of rejection or failure is a black cloud of doom.  Why can’t I just enjoy the journey, instead of worrying about public?  (for the same reason I don’t go out without makeup!)  Someone is always going to have something to say.  There will always be those people who wait for me to fail again.  If I could only fail for them as many times as I fail myself…shit.  Then, people wonder where my survival sarcasm and don’t give a fuck comes from?  The sad part is that I do care, but have never fit in.  Go back and read about my transition back to this state.  I have never fit here, and while I am mostly ok with that, they still get into my head.  Last Friday, I was in town, which is wild to me, but I was enjoying the bustling downtown. I saw a few people I love, I hugged you, and yet, there was one person who was, heavy on the “was”, a FakeBook friend, who walked up behind me, then around me and never spoke, and I was getting ready to address her, she turned around, nose up, acted like she didn’t just scare the shit out of me.  That stupid encounter tangled up the entire day, and I am still thinking about her, wondering why I didn’t fit.  Needless to say, unfriended.

That’s where Cheryl comes in!  I got a card, with the all too familiar beautiful handwriting with the most incredible message.  Guess what?! Cheryl showed up in the biggest way possible.  A friend of gold, who reminded me that we are special.  She’s right.  My life was forever blessed by knowing her. Time and distance have separated us, but the heart remembers.  I remember…  This past few months I have struggled to stay away from the darkest corners of my mind.  My thoughts have been a black as night, and there, like in the door of that Emergency Room, stands a friend who I love deeply, reminding me that I am enough.  You did it again, my friend.  You helped me remember why I get up.  You helped reignite my blog, which has proven difficult, when it didn’t used to be, and you brought memory to my heart.  I love you.  Always will.  Thank you.

If you have made it this far, thanks.  Now go and find yourself a Cheryl.  That is my prayer.