The New Year came this year, ready or not, and it found me back at it. Trying to slay the dragons that keep coming back even after I think I’m finished healing. Guess what?

I’m not. You’re not. … I talk all the time about living sober, choosing peace, healing trauma, but truly, the work is never done. I have 6 years of talk therapy, RRT (which was and is a God send), medication I have taken at different times and yet, here I am. The struggle with my brain and the past is ever present. Ideation that the world being better off if I shimmied off the mortal coil is a continual voice in my head. It wasn’t until a few days ago that I found out that it is a common experience for people who experience sexual abuse as children. How would I know? Just thought it was normal, but it makes sense now. So everyday I wake up and I look around and I literally say “not today”.

So here I am, today, in the middle of my TMS journey in an attempt to quiet the voices of the past, that were spoken into my brain, by others, from a very, very young age.

I would love to normalize the conversation about trauma and its aftermath, but damn, it makes “normal people “ uncomfortable. What would really make people uncomfortable what I live daily. I am surrounded by people who normalize abuse. So are you. Just look around. Everywhere you look people think it’s ok to abuse your siblings, abuse women, abuse children, abuse strangers, assault people from behind a keyboard, that it’s ok to hurt your family and yet, somehow, tell your story to make you the hero when in fact you betrayed him at the most horrible level. But let’s face it, truth is never heard because it’s uncomfortable and you might have to face your own life’s story.

I have said forever that I have had to take this journey because others wouldn’t. That’s the ABSOLUTE TRUTH! Think about it. I’m sure if you have gone on with healing without narcissistic, evil people clinging to your shirttails, you know full well that toxic narcissists will do anything to keep you stuck. It takes more courage to leave them and expose them than to ever stay. That’s where I am. Away.

This brings me to another point. If you knew me 30 years or more ago, I apologize and you don’t know me now. I was in the throes of my trauma. It was being stacked on and stacked on, and I was damaged. If you knew me 5 years ago, you don’t know me now. That’s growth. That’s what healing does.

I was gently reminded of my worst years by an innocent comment about someone meeting someone from my past who I thought would always be in my life. 30 years ago I saw her, I was in a deep dark place and she walked out. I certainly don’t blame her. I would expect that from her and not in a bad or condemning way! But I subconsciously resent her bringing my name up if there is no intention of seeing how far I’ve come. I don’t know why it bothered me. She’s not one that could walk through the fire with me, she wasn’t supposed to and she never could. But I would like the chance to say “see, I’ve done my work!” I would like some version of redemption from the past me.

This new year is about courage and heading forward regardless of the fear. The year of the snake was hard. It was about shedding the old skin and losing what doesn’t serve you. In my case losing things with two legs was of the utmost importance. People who are frankly dangerous and unfixable. Good riddance! This year of the horse is for me! No resolutions, no excuses, no fear, because the work is done. The horse is always charging forward! I won’t live long enough to see another year of the fire horse, so I will make the most of this!

Back in the day there wasn’t a horse I couldn’t ride or drive so I think I’m ready!

Thank you for being here. Thank you.

Until next time, do the work. For you. For only you.

Not today.

E