What? What? What? What version of yourself do you love? I know that’s out of left field but I don’t think you are looking at it enough!! Girl! You know how many versions you have evolved in your lifetime? You can’t even name them all. But there are seasons of it that I would never want to repeat! Why do we keep trying to go back to the one that isn’t the best version of who we CAN BE?! That’s easy, habits and stories we tell are where we are most comfortable and moving out of that bullshit makes you vulnerable. You don’t like vulnerable. You think that if you keep making the story about the you who is/was the victim that you will somehow garner sympathy or whatever it is that works for you. I know because for years I wallowed in my own thoughts, stories and victimization, but man, staying there and talking about the same shit kept me there. Trapped in memories and cycles that didn’t work for me!! That’s exactly why, for my archetype, AA didn’t work. I couldn’t keep repeating the stories of the past and talk about the blame I had toward the people who made serious bad decisions and choices, and then try to move forward into the version of me that I am proud to be. It is counterintuitive. So in order to move you gotta start telling your story of new hope, new dreams, acceptance, accountability, accepting your own part in the process, and leave the blame behind. It’s fucking hard at first but I promise the Payoff is priceless.

This new moon in Scorpio and the full flower moon conjunction on the first of May will bring a Beltane energy of clearing out and emotional rebirth like we haven’t seen in 18 years!! Think back and try to remember what it was like 18 years ago. I sure can and I can tell you that the shit I have walked through in that time is enough to fill a book that no one could believe wasn’t complete fiction. Death, life, betrayal, more death, more thieves, family issues that ended in catapulting me to the next astral dimension, sickness, diagnosis, 22 surgeries, more betrayal, embezzlement, growth, alcoholism, people migrating in and out of my life, marriages, births, miscarriages, births, blessings, more blessings, more hurts. Shit it’s completely exhausting, but through it all, I have still grown and done it with as much kindness and love as I can find.

What I’m trying to tell you is that we are supposed to change and evolve into who God calls you to be. He calls you to be BETTER. not perfect. BETTER. If you started to try to break family generational trauma for Gods sake don’t stop half way through and turn around and revert only put the same shit on your kids for their life that they have to uncover down the road. Do better. Love harder. Speak softer. Stop the madness and rise to who you are proud of. It may have taken me 50 years of my life to break this cycle but believe it when I tell you that I am in a constant state of reminding myself that I am capable every single day of change. I am the change. I will continue to be the change and no amount of attempts to pull me into the garbage can that was my life, will happen. I will fight kicking and screaming to move into light and love and stay out of the meanness and hurt that the past will bring. I am not who some want me to be because it’s change. But I am who God wants me to be, BETTER.

Use this new moon energy to level the hell up!! The universe is calling you to rise and if you don’t want I call God the Universe, whatever. It will all shake out!! You can do it. But the change is YOU. No one in the world will ever change to your standards. You have to look in the mirror and pic the version of you that makes you feel amazing. She’s in there. She’s just waiting for you to see her for the first time. Stop rubbing mud on the mirror and saying it’s because someone made you. Nope. You got this but only if you want it.

As for me. You will see me still scraping and working to improve. I won’t look back at the mess I was. I will honor her courage and commitment to make the changes that felt better. I will own it. Apologize for the damage I did, and I do everything in my power not to move back!!

Happy Beltane chickens

Until then. Keep doing it. Better

E