I can tell when life feels hard for many reasons, but one obvious one is that my writing stops. It should be the opposite because this is no different than journaling, but it is… It is different because sometimes I need to temper my words so that I don’t find myself in a worse pickle. Remember that everyone thinks I say exactly what i am thinking, but they are wrong. If I said it all I don’t know who would be left standing!
I am going to talk about something that hits hard for me. I am going to talk about masking. Masking, by definition is “In psychology and sociology, masking, also known as social camouflaging, is a defensive behavior in which an individual conceals their natural personality or behavior in response to social pressure, abuse, or harassment. Masking can be strongly influenced by environmental factors such as authoritarian parents, social rejection, and emotional, physical, or sexual abuse. Wikipedia” Masking can also be concealing who you are to get the outcome you desire at the expense of those around you. Sometimes I believe masking is flat out lying if you are indeed just a con artist! Not everyone masks due to autism or abuse. There is a wide variety of reasons people hide who they are and I seem to have found several of those. Let’s talk about it.
I have recently had to come to terms with the fact that some people will use you up and take what isn’t theirs for their own selfish interests. I thought at this age I would have weeded this out by now, but apparently I have not! If you were to ask me for something, I would do my best to figure out a way to help you and so would Mike. Mike may be more accommodating than I am, but nonetheless, we are very giving. It has not been lost on me that when you give too much, people will take until the very limit of good intentions and then it becomes an entitlement. What I will never understand is how you can give and give and give and when you say “I’m done” all of the sudden, anything you gave is forgotten, and you become the pile of shit!? If you wait long enough those type of people will find a way to justify taking it, without ever asking and if you dare stop it, you will suffer at the very hands of those who pretended to appreciate you.
Life is strange. People change and heal and they move along in a positive way. Those are the kind of people I love to watch, and I try like hell to emulate that behavior. Then there are those who believe that the issue is always someone else’s fault. There is no introspection, accountability and never acknowledgement or apologies. There is projection, blame, finger pointing and lies. Unfortunately, I have seen this on so many levels, and yet, even though others see it, they don’t change. The worst part is when that behavior hurts innocent people. That is an entirely different discussion.
As long as I live, I will always carry betrayal like a wet blanket. There is no worse feeling in the world to believe that someone you thought so much of proves to be exactly what they said they weren’t. At one time, their actions spoke differently and they were exactly who you thought they were…the best part of them. Until one day, you find out that they were completely masking and stealing and lying, conniving to amass whatever they could take from you. You might ask “where is this going? or what did you learn?” that’s easy! I learned that no matter how much you want someone to do the right thing, or respond with truth, it, flat ass, is not in some people and that they will never change, they will just spin doctor everything they do to make you the villain. Yep. That’s the facts. The ugly truth. We see that from the top down in this country and it is now so commonplace that it infiltrates all aspects of life from business, and family to friendships. Greed is the ugliest of the seven deadly sins and it scars deep.
Even if it weighs heavy, it gives me permission to keep walking and tighten the circle. My job now becomes me taking care of me. And Mike! The rest of the world can make choices and mine is to not participate regardless of the long term outcome. Some things are truly unforgiveable. For those things, I tell God “You gotta handle this one for me because I am unable to forgive it!” I figure someone else may as well do the heavy work!
I don’t know who else has experienced this on such a personal level, but I hope that you continue to see your worth and your goodness. People who choose differently will get what they sow in this life or the next. That’s not my responsibility. My job is to simply keep moving and do what I can, where I can. I choose to step away from verbal abuse, old mantras and things that steal the joy from this life. That’s people, places and things! There is nothing in this world worth allowing another person or people to take what’s not theirs….peace.
Until then…Keep walking. Keep working….Keep loving who you can!
E
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