I’m feeling like I don’t want to roll in this world today….or possibly tomorrow and maybe even the next day!! I go through stages where the stimulation of the outside world makes my insides shake like I am standing on the edge of Niagara Falls feeling the earth rumble! I’m there! I wouldn’t say it’s a bad feeling necessarily, although sometimes it is, but today it is more like nothing fits… like all of the times I wanted a sense of belonging and didn’t succeed, out of body experience, or like trying to put my round body in the square hole!! My brain is a whirlwind of thoughts, scenarios, words, feelings, “what if’s”, questions, bits and pieces of memories and a real tied up mess most days!! I have 64 different conversations going on at the same time in my head with different people!! I think sometimes this adds to most of my anxiety, but there is some weird comfort in it as well. I think we all have the Multi Personality Disorder and that this is completely normal! It is easy for me to see how this might become an issue in the event that I don’t have a gazillion things to do during the day! I think that is why old people forget things….they have conversations with no one but themselves so they tend to repeat themselves……yep that’s me!
I am just thankful that I have a dog to comfort me, a husband who is pretty good about recognizing my limits and a doctor that I can text! Who can say that?!! Most doctors don’t want to be bothered, mine is incredibly accessible! I am thankful for so many of the little things and on the days that I can’t handle being public, I really need to focus on the things around me!! I need to breathe and be more present. I need to listen and know when to shut it out!! During the week I am forced to be in the public for at least 9 hours a day so when I get any “extra time”, I guard it like Gollum’s treasure. I am very close with my “extra” time because I don’t have much of it and when I do, I want to decompress. I need to decompress.
A couple of years ago Erin took me “floating” at H2O in Hays. It is a very large tank with about 10-12 inches of salt water. DENSE salt water that is supposed to be equal to the Dead Sea in which you are suspended weightless in the water. It is a sensory-deprivation tank that is dimly lit when you get in, then you close the door and decide if you are willing to tackle the darkness by yourself/with yourself. It is an intimidating adventure. The first float experience I had a horrible time trying to shut off the brain. Last Friday I was much more successful. The detoxifying properties of the salt made my joints feel so much better that I look forward to floating again. I will say that I was a little unprepared for the emotional outlet that this can unleash. I am happy to say that it was like washing away years of pent up emotion and has felt pretty good, but I do feel like today, I need to decompress into that black tank. The ideal remedy would be if I were able to find a dark, silent place to “meditate”. I am practicing this on the days that I can float it away, but on the daily, I am doing my best to duplicate the peace of floating. During the summer I do this in the pool, and I can feel my shoulders relax and everything loosen up. It’s not summer…..It is almost winter.
I am in the Dark half of the year…..I think we all knows what that means!!! I was recently gifted a different perspective about the winter that I really need to implement! The author talked about how Winter was once celebrated as a time of rest and descent. A time to take in all that we have been through and celebrate that the year is coming to a close just like nature around us. We should be more like the Norwegians who welcome winter as a time to light candles, share fires, soup, hot drinks and skiing from house to house. They embrace the cold and dark in the land of the Midnight Sun. I am not skiing out my front door because I had my fill of that when we were kids. I think my friend, Heidi, will attest that the “waxing” issues of the skies took the ambition out of our day!!! I will light the fire and wait for the new year that is just around the corner and emerge like the seed deep in the ground. Today, since I don’t feel like rolling in the traffic of society, you won’t find me anywhere but by myself!! It is best…no one likes a grouch. Including me!!
Until then….Winter is here….New Year on the way