I’m stronger than I ever thought I would need to be… Aren’t we all?? My Gram used to say, “If you knew what was around the corner, you would never get out of bed.” She was right. Life is laden with challenges and events that make breathing nearly impossible and robs joy like a thief. In the innocence of my youth I would have never dreamed that I would face the things that I have in a million years! After all, I was the hopeless romantic and planned it all out!! My plans were perfect and out of necessity and survival all of those pipe dreams have since changed! That story could be a full blown documentary! Each and every person on the face of this earth takes their experiences and uses the fall out for good or for ill. They make the choice and they either become their situation or they change it. They become bitter or they become better and oftentimes, it is a mixture of both.
I was thinking about my life experience and I really wish that the “me” at 25 could be the “me” at 52 in the body of my 25 year old self. If you would have told me that any of the challenges I had faced up until the age of 25 would seem incredibly small I would have told you that you were full of shit! Literally. Unfortunately the residual effect of these challenges manifest in my body like a wrecking ball and I pay for it in every single piece of connective tissue in my body. The beauty of hind site, however, is that which I see in the rear view mirror and has since become very small. That doesn’t mean that it didn’t matter at the time and reek havoc on my world! Every year at Christmas my dad would buy me a Rampant Lion Scottish flag to fly outside of my house. At the end of the year we would take the old flag down and write on it. Sometimes I would write struggles we had suffered throughout the year incorporated with the blessings and thanks then I would tuck them neatly away in a box. Years later when I opened the flags I would read them and try to remember what the notes meant. I couldn’t remember why I wrote what I did and years later it didn’t stick and it didn’t matter! It goes like that throughout my life. I have learned how to let go of memories that don’t serve me well. I block bad….it’s a gift! Lol
I was recalling my last conversation I had with my Dad some almost 6 years ago now. I was filled with love and sadness, remorse and joy all at the same time. I realized that since his passing my body has gone through immense transition, even causing a somewhat dormant disease to explode into full blown due to this trauma. Chemically I am changed, emotionally I am much changed and find a strange peace in displacement. Modern medicine’s attempt to treat me has been a box of chocolates and I know that there is no going back physically or mentally after the fact. You can’t put the cheerios back in the box!! Once in awhile I assess the damage and I realize I am certainly not the only person struggling with symptoms of life! Most of my friends suffer from the effects of life trauma but they are quick to write off the damage to aging, depression, the blues, menopause, lack of energy, stress, work, family, more life, you name it! What if that is only reason for all of the physical pain, joint pain, migraines, is unresolved bits of life? That’s my diagnosis to you, that’s what I think all of this is!! I suppose it is irrelevant in the big picture and maybe if I was someone who didn’t need a “reason” for everything and could just accept the changes quietly, maybe the effects wouldn’t be as strong? Highly doubtful.
I was talking to a friend today about letting go and letting my faith do the rest. I have this discussion a lot as if I try to convince myself that I could/can change the way that I process!! I have said many times that that very thought of letting go gives me anxiety!! I can’t change one single thing about the past. NOT ONE. I can consciously make the decision not to repeat mistakes or take the same road, but I can’t undo anything. Walking into tomorrow differently than I leave this day is truly my daily goal. I want to be better. I want to do more. I want to love harder. I want to be forgiven. I want to forgive. I want to be a better version of me. It takes continual monitoring and that in and of itself is exhausting! I suppose that it’s a good thing I have OCD!! Unfortunately there are always going to be people in your way who live to remind you of what you were. They are the people who don’t want to accept that you have grown and changed or they want you to revert so that they can pretend to know you as an adult. In their efforts to keep holding you down, they continue to remind you of your offenses in an attempt to knock you down! Don’t fall for it!! Growth is growth and maybe you have just outgrown them!! There is nothing wrong with that!! It is a most unfair and abusive game that one can play with another person; keep them pinned down to the version that is a reminder of the past, based on a previous version of themselves. The refusal to love and accept person they have become and to encourage their growth would be healthy, but when you choose to remember things about them that no longer serve any purpose and not allowing them to ever “grow up” in your mind is cruel. Often that behavior is done as a control tactic and a power struggle. Don’t fall for it!! We can never be who we were if we knowingly make changes that are improvements! I am not who I was at 16 nor is there anyway I would want to be! The other barb in my side is the statement, “You always do this”….whatever this is… I don’t “always” do anything! Come on!! No one always does anything and about the time you think I will do something, I will make sure I do the opposite!
I never know why I feel the need to write some of this….today is just a day I think I needed to give myself permission to feel the heaviness of this day. I don’t like doing that, I like to keep on as if everything is well in the world but today, I am feeling it in my joints and every piece of mass that makes up this body. I am beat up.