Ask for a topic and I get several and really all of them give me ideas that give way to larger discussion! Choices, strength, friends, finding yourself, graduation, marrying into a family (of which I won’t touch!), even tick viruses, but I think the thing that is heavy on my mind is “finding myself and graduation”. I’m finding myself more and more unwilling to take this step in my life. I’m not ready to graduate.
I have had children in my house almost 28 years! That’s a long time and it’s over half of my life! When I was a little girl I had no other goals in my life than being a momma. It’s the only job I ever wanted in my whole life. When I met Mike 29 years ago, it really was love at first sight. I wanted someone who was kind, fun, loving, smart, ambitious and he is all of those things. I won’t tell him, but he really is the best thing to happen in my life! When we started our family I didn’t think about parenting being the only job that the goal is to work yourself out of a job. In 28 years our relationship has grown and grown and not always at the same time but always with the same goal.
Addie was our “gift” child. I don’t like calling a child an “oops” or a “mistake” because she is neither of those. If we were able to have 12 children we would have; we dreamed of a big family but it wasn’t in the cards. As it is, we are preparing for life’s changes again. The problem this time is that we are getting ready to live and watch our home get quiet. When I found out I was pregnant with Addie, Mike was super concerned about being an older dad at 42. After all Erin was 6 years old and Ian had just turned 10!! That next morning I think he was still in shock as he stood in the bathroom brushing his teeth, I could hear him mumbling and then very clearly saying, “I’m going to be 60 when she graduates!!!” “What do you want me to do, wheel you in with the rest of the old bastards?” I asked. I was frustrated that he was not as happy as I thought he might or should be. The truth is, I wasn’t sure what to do either. That entire journey took twists and turns and hardships we didn’t see coming but almost 19 years later she continues to be one of our biggest blessings.
The day is coming quickly that our house will go quiet and our days and nights will be filled with just the two of us. We had 18 months of being together before Ian came along. Since then it’s been 3,4,5 of us. Our lives have been defined by being “Ian’s parents, Erin’s parents, and Bug’s parents.” We don’t want to be “us”!!! We don’t want to be empty nesters!! We love being together don’t get me wrong, but we would rather spend time ALL together!!
I don’t know how we are going to adjust to Addie moving in June, or being alone, or what we will do with our time. We work together everyday and come home to a house filled with music and the smell of noodles. Addie is the noodle making queen!! So many nights dinner is made and she has everything in order. She is the most helpful young woman I know. I know every parent thinks that they have the best, but really…
This year is a year of more firsts. First time to see my youngest move on to live her own life and I’m really going to try to handle it with some kind of dignity. Who am I kidding?? I think dignity won’t stand a chance against the tears and loneliness of a quiet house. Lord knows Mike will just bury himself in projects and work, seems to be how he has faced a lot of life’s issues or disappointments. Lord knows he and I should be used to facing the world as just the two of us…that part we have covered, but we haven’t had to face this challenge before! Maybe we will do alright, but Im fairly certain Erin will begin to wish she lived a few states away!
Until then…relish the little moments